Yesterday was an awful day for me…
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he’s gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
Lord, please be with me today.
I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.
And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please….
DON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!
I Said Chicken!
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still no answer. Finally, he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
The Bad News First
Doctor: “I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?”
Patient: “Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “You only have one week left to live.”
Patient: “Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?”
Doctor: “Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I’m taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!”
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as lovers. The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”
The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that.”
The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it!”
The Chicken Was Delicious!
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”