My daughter who is at college came to me in tears the other day saying that I have given her terrible financial advice. When I quizzed her on what she meant she said, “It was you that said to put all my money into that particular bank and now it has troubles.”
“You must be mistaken” I told her, “It’s one of the biggest in the county.”
“Well, why have they just sent back my checks with a note that says,
My lawyer was trying to get me off a burglary charge. He told the judge, “My client inserted his arm through a window and removed some items. As his arm is not his whole being, I submit that it would be wrong to punish the whole person for a crime committed by a sole limb.”
The Judge replied, “Okay – using that logic, the defendant’s arm is sentenced to 2 years in prison and can accompany the limb if he chooses.”
So, with the aid of my lawyer, I unscrewed my artificial arm, placed it on the table and walked out of the courtroom!
What a Day I Have Had
A man sits in a bar just staring at his drink for about twenty minutes. A big guy comes up to him, takes his drink and drinks it down in one. The man starts to cry. The big guy tells him not to cry as he was only messing about and offers to replace his drink.
“That’s not the problem” said the man, “What a day I have had. Started off, the alarm didn’t go off, so I was late for work and got sacked. Going back to my car, it wasn’t there – someone had nicked it. When I got home, I realized that I must have dropped my wallet on the bus – all my money – gone. I then go upstairs to find a note from my wife on the bed saying that she’s left me. And, just when I think about killing myself, you come along and drink my cyanide!”
My dad is 67 years old. One day we went to the mall with him. Suddenly I noticed he is staring at a teenage girl with Iroquois and bright yellow, green and purple hair on her head. The girl noticed his unwavering gaze and asked him, “What’s up creaker? Haven’t you ever done anything crazy?”
My dad replied immediately: “Once upon a time, I was drunk and stoned and I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering what if you are my daughter.”
A lawyer wanted to locate a young woman who had fallen heir to a large fortune. The police were called in to assist in the search. The case was placed in the hands of a young and clever detective. Several weeks passed by without any information and the lawyer was beginning to feel concerned over the matter, when the young detective appeared on the scene. He smilingly informed the lawyer he had located the heiress.
“Where is she?” asked the lawyer.
“At my place”, replied the detective, “we were married yesterday!”
Woman: Baby, I’m feeling rather wet today.
Woman: Down there.
Man: Would you like some tissue paper?
Woman: I want something more!
Man: Would you like two pieces of tissue paper?
Woman: No! I want something big and round!
Man: Oh alright. I’ll get you the whole tissue paper roll!