Jim was seconds away from having a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.
“Stop!” exclaimed the brother. “You can’t go through with this!”
“And why not?” asked Jim.
“Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby some day, like my wife and I have here?”
Jim said nothing.
The brother grew impatient. “Come on, Jim, I want a nephew. Make me an uncle.”
Jim couldn’t take any more of this. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother: “Are you sure you want a nephew?”
“Absolutely,” said the brother.
“Well, congratulations,” said Jim, “you’re holding him!”
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me mam, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door!”
The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity!”
The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?!” he asked.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper
is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself!”
Not Very Well
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society’s ideal of beauty changes with time. “For example,” he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”
“Why is that?” asked the professor.
“For one thing” the student pointed out, “She’d be about a hundred years old!”
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn’t figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn’t.
In the box, she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, “Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?”
He replied, “Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.” Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
“But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?” she asked.
“Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it!”
I Don’t Know The Answer
At a large college there was a football player that was extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but he just couldn’t catch him.
One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart boy had written “I don’t know the answer” on number 10.
So she looked at the jock’s paper and smiled. He had finally given himself away. His answer looked like this:
“10. Me neither!”