Doctor Jokes – Funny Jokes Club

Funny Jokes Club

  • Hairy Chest

    All The Equipment4A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However,...

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    All The Equipment4A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second incision the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough...
  • A Little Bit Different

    After a woman had given birth, the doctor appeared in the ward with a worried expression on his face and announced solemnly: “There’s something I...

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    After a woman had given birth, the doctor appeared in the ward with a worried expression on his face and announced solemnly: “There’s something I have to tell you about your baby.” The woman sat bolt upright in bed and demanded: “What’s wrong with my baby, doctor?” The doctor said: “Well, nothing’s wrong exactly. It’s...
  • Four Surgeons

    Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything...

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    Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.”  “I think librarians are the easiest” said the second surgeon, “When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.”  The third surgeon said, “I prefer...
  • Special Offer – Brains

    A man is passing a butcher’s shop and sees a sign: Special Offer – Brains Cow brains —— a penny a pound Sheep brains —— 2 pounds...

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    A man is passing a butcher’s shop and sees a sign: Special Offer – Brains Cow brains —— a penny a pound Sheep brains —— 2 pounds a pound Pig brains ——– 2 pounds a pound Doctor brains —— 50 pounds a pound Engineer brains ——- 50 pounds a pound Programmer brains ——-50 pounds a pound Lawyer brains —— 1000 pounds a...
  • Lawyers

    A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal s..x, and she wasn’t...

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    A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal s..x, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did. He asked, “Does it hurt you?” She said no. The Doctor...
  • Solution A Solution B

    ‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use...

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    ‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa. If I...
  • Hearing Aid

    An elderly retired gentleman had severe hearing problems for some time.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted...

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    An elderly retired gentleman had severe hearing problems for some time.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.  One month later, the elderly man went back again to the...
  • I Said Chicken!

    A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I...

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    A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question,...
  • Doctor and Patient

    Doctor: “I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?”  Patient: “Do begin with the bad news, please.”  Doctor: “Alright. Your...

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    Doctor: “I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?”  Patient: “Do begin with the bad news, please.”  Doctor: “Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.” Patient: “Good grief! What’s the good news?”  Doctor: “The good...
  • Don’t Have Much Time

    A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the...

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    A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says. “Oh...
  • The Bad News First

    Doctor: “I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?” Patient: “Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first.”  Doctor: “You only have...

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    Doctor: “I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?” Patient: “Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first.”  Doctor: “You only have one week left to live.”  Patient: “Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?”  Doctor: “Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I’m taking...
  • Orange Juice

    An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control...

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    An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control...
  • Half My Brain

    This guy decides to get a sex change. So, he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later, he was...

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    This guy decides to get a sex change. So, he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later, he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. “Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.” “Not really,...
  • Childbirth Hurt

    A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any...

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    A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.  She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”  The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...
  • From Skipping

    My girlfriend was slightly overweight. So, our Doctor put her on a diet. He said to her that she had to eat regularly for 2...

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    My girlfriend was slightly overweight. So, our Doctor put her on a diet. He said to her that she had to eat regularly for 2 days, skip a day and repeat that procedure for 3 weeks and that when he sees her next time, she should have lost at least seven pounds. When she returned...
  • Bad News

    A patient went to his Doctor who said, “I have bad news and really bad news.”  “What’s the bad news?” asked the patient. “You only...

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    A patient went to his Doctor who said, “I have bad news and really bad news.”  “What’s the bad news?” asked the patient. “You only have 24 hours to live” said the Doctor. “That’s terrible, what could the really bad news be?”  The Doctor replied, “I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday!”  
  • Tonsil

    The newly-wedded man took his young wife to the throat specialist treatment. After operating on her tonsil, the surgeon observed: “You know, this tonsil ought...

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    The newly-wedded man took his young wife to the throat specialist treatment. After operating on her tonsil, the surgeon observed: “You know, this tonsil ought to have been operated on when she was 6 years old.” The young man took the hint and when the bill for the operation came, he forwarded it to his...
  • My Gloves

    The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:  “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see,...

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    The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:  “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.”  “Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone!” 
  • Drunk

    – Look at yourself, you are drunk! – Yep. – Where have you been drinking? – At home. – You’ve been drinking alone to this...

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    – Look at yourself, you are drunk! – Yep. – Where have you been drinking? – At home. – You’ve been drinking alone to this point? – I cannot be drinking alone if my cat is home.
  • Deaf-Mute

    – Doctor, will my wife be able to sing in the opera after the surgery? – Sure. Surgical removal of the appendix is not dangerous...

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    – Doctor, will my wife be able to sing in the opera after the surgery? – Sure. Surgical removal of the appendix is not dangerous for her voice. She will be able to sing in the opera without any problems. – Doctor, you are awesome! My wife is deaf-mute since her birth but she always...