Funny Jokes Club

  • I Hate Liars !

    Walking along the street a family couple noticed a man and a cat with a sign: “TALKING CAT ON SALE – ONLY $20.” They came...

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    Walking along the street a family couple noticed a man and a cat with a sign: “TALKING CAT ON SALE – ONLY $20.” They came closer and the cat looked at them and said, “Please, buy me. I am a very nice cat. I know how to use the bathroom. I can do the chores...
  • The Librarian

    A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens...

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    A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!”...
  • Ham and Eggs

    One summer afternoon, a chicken and a pig were strolling along and came across a church that was having an event for charity. Being good animals,...

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    One summer afternoon, a chicken and a pig were strolling along and came across a church that was having an event for charity. Being good animals, they thought that they should offer to help in some way.  “I’ve got an idea” said the chicken, “Let’s offer them something.”   “Like what?” replied the pig.  “How about Ham...
  • Do You Like Heaven?

    A mouse and a cat arrive at the gates of heaven at exactly the same time. St. Peter asks the mouse, “Do you like heaven?”...

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    A mouse and a cat arrive at the gates of heaven at exactly the same time. St. Peter asks the mouse, “Do you like heaven?” “Its Okay” replied the mouse, “But could I have some roller blades?” “No problem” said St. Peter and handed the mouse his roller blades. The following day, St. Peter asked...
  • Wildlife Park

    At our local wildlife park, there was one kangaroo who repeatedly managed to leave the enclosure. Therefore, the zookeepers erected a 15 foot fence. The following morning,...

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    At our local wildlife park, there was one kangaroo who repeatedly managed to leave the enclosure. Therefore, the zookeepers erected a 15 foot fence. The following morning, they found the kangaroo wandering around the zoo – it had escaped again.  This kept occurring until the fence was 80 feet high. In the adjoining enclosure was a tiger who asked...
  • The Fishing

    When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad. Fish doesn’t compare you to...

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    When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad. Fish doesn’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving, you lie about the...
  • Old Thing

    My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat...

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    My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat shot back inside as we were coming out. I went back to bring it out again. My wife, not wishing it to be known that nobody was left in the...
  • A Bit Insensitive

    While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat....

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    While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat. My brother seemed upset. “I don’t know how to tell you but the cat died on Thursday” he said.  I was mortified and shouted at him, “You could have found a...
  • Stupid Cat

    Little Gary was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked, “What are you doing here, son?” “I’ve...

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    Little Gary was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked, “What are you doing here, son?” “I’ve just buried my goldfish; it died” replied Little Gary tearfully. “That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish” said the neighbor. Patting down the last bit of...
  • Pig and Cow…

    A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a Lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house....

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    A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a Lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I will sleep in the...
  • Bear Hunting

    Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear,...

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    Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran...
  • Foolproof Plan

    Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume...

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    Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull....
  • God is Watching You!

    A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God...

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    A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God is watching you”. He then notices a wallet stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as he picks up the wallet again hears the voice, “God is still watching you”. He...
  • Experiments

    At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers...

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    At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”  ” Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”  ” Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants...
  • Nails Clipping

    Three dogs are chatting at the local vets. First dog says, “I’m here because I chewed all the shoes in my master’s house!” The Second dog...

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    Three dogs are chatting at the local vets. First dog says, “I’m here because I chewed all the shoes in my master’s house!” The Second dog exclaimed, “I peed all over my master’s £3,000 Persian rug!” Dog number 3 says, “My owners a woman who enjoys doing the housework naked, so as she bent over, I...
  • The Chicken Was Delicious!

    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly...

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    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got...
  • Lucky Saucer

    A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a...

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    A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat...
  • Have You Got Any Olives?

    A duck walked into a bar and asked, “Have you got any olives?”  The bartender says, “No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives.” “Oh,”...

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    A duck walked into a bar and asked, “Have you got any olives?”  The bartender says, “No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives.” “Oh,” says the duck and leaves. Five minutes later, the duck returns and say to the same barman, “Have you got any olives?”  “I told you before, we have cherries and grapes,...
  • The Auctioneer

    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up...

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    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won...
  • Three Religious Men and a Bear

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were arguing about who was best in their line of work. One by one, they go into the...

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    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were arguing about who was best in their line of work. One by one, they go into the woods to find a bear and try their best to convert them to join their respective religions. Later they gather to discuss their experiences. The priest begins: “I found the...