Animal Jokes – Funny Jokes Club

Funny Jokes Club

  • Cat

    The boy came to school. In the middle of the class, the cat jumped out of his backpack. The teacher said: – Shame on you,...

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    The boy came to school. In the middle of the class, the cat jumped out of his backpack. The teacher said: – Shame on you, Ricky. Why did you bring a cat to school? You know you are not supposed to bring the animals to the class! – I am sorry Mrs. Graham, but I...
  • Lucky Saucer

    A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a...

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    A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat...
  • The Repairman

    A woman’s dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go...

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    A woman’s dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check....
  • The Best Baseball Player

    A man goes into a bar with his dog and bets the barman $50 that the dog can answer his question. So, the man says, “What...

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    A man goes into a bar with his dog and bets the barman $50 that the dog can answer his question. So, the man says, “What do you call the top of a building?” The dog replies, “Roof.” The barman says, “I’m not paying for that.” So, the man says, “Okay double or nothing” and asks the dog,...
  • 12 Hours

    Customer: “How much for this dog?” Dog dealer: “$5000” Customer:” Is not that too much?” Dog dealer: “Is not the dog wonderful?” Customer: “Yes, the...

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    Customer: “How much for this dog?” Dog dealer: “$5000” Customer:” Is not that too much?” Dog dealer: “Is not the dog wonderful?” Customer: “Yes, the dog may be too wonderful but is he faithful also?” Dog dealer: “Yes sir! He had been faithful, I have sold him seven times and he had always been back...
  • My Races!

    Three racehorses standing around started arguing. The first said, “I’ve won 15 out of 20 of my races!” The second said, “Yeah, well I’ve won...

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    Three racehorses standing around started arguing. The first said, “I’ve won 15 out of 20 of my races!” The second said, “Yeah, well I’ve won 29 out of 30 of my races!”  The third said, “Yeah, well I’ve won 39 out of 40 of my races!” Then, a greyhound came up and said, “Oh yeah!...
  • Have You Got Any Olives?

    A duck walked into a bar and asked, “Have you got any olives?”  The bartender says, “No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives.” “Oh,”...

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    A duck walked into a bar and asked, “Have you got any olives?”  The bartender says, “No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives.” “Oh,” says the duck and leaves. Five minutes later, the duck returns and say to the same barman, “Have you got any olives?”  “I told you before, we have cherries and grapes,...
  • Old Thing

    My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat...

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    My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat shot back inside as we were coming out. I went back to bring it out again. My wife, not wishing it to be known that nobody was left in the...
  • Wildlife Park

    At our local wildlife park, there was one kangaroo who repeatedly managed to leave the enclosure. Therefore, the zookeepers erected a 15 foot fence. The following morning,...

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    At our local wildlife park, there was one kangaroo who repeatedly managed to leave the enclosure. Therefore, the zookeepers erected a 15 foot fence. The following morning, they found the kangaroo wandering around the zoo – it had escaped again.  This kept occurring until the fence was 80 feet high. In the adjoining enclosure was a tiger who asked...
  • A Bit Insensitive

    While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat....

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    While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat. My brother seemed upset. “I don’t know how to tell you but the cat died on Thursday” he said.  I was mortified and shouted at him, “You could have found a...
  • To The Cinema

    My brother was driving along the road the other day with ten penguins in the back seat. He was stopped by the police who told...

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    My brother was driving along the road the other day with ten penguins in the back seat. He was stopped by the police who told him that he couldn’t drive around with ten penguins in the car and that he ought to take them to a zoo. My brother agreed with the police officer and...
  • Experiments

    At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers...

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    At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”  ” Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”  ” Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants...
  • The Auctioneer

    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up...

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    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won...
  • Three Religious Men and a Bear

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were arguing about who was best in their line of work. One by one, they go into the...

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    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were arguing about who was best in their line of work. One by one, they go into the woods to find a bear and try their best to convert them to join their respective religions. Later they gather to discuss their experiences. The priest begins: “I found the...
  • I Hate Liars !

    Walking along the street a family couple noticed a man and a cat with a sign: “TALKING CAT ON SALE – ONLY $20.” They came...

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    Walking along the street a family couple noticed a man and a cat with a sign: “TALKING CAT ON SALE – ONLY $20.” They came closer and the cat looked at them and said, “Please, buy me. I am a very nice cat. I know how to use the bathroom. I can do the chores...
  • Female Puppy

    A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns...

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    A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?” A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked...
  • Parrot

    A man walks into the bedroom with his naked wife in the bed. His wife notices he is holding a parrot. – Honey, why are...

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    A man walks into the bedroom with his naked wife in the bed. His wife notices he is holding a parrot. – Honey, why are you holding a parrot? Let it go and come to me. – This is an elephant I want to have s.x with. – This is not an elephant. This is...
  • You Know!

    A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, “Hey lady,...

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    A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home, she saw the same parrot in the window...
  • Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road?

    Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved under the chicken depends on its point of reference! Plato: For the greater...

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    Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved under the chicken depends on its point of reference! Plato: For the greater good! Hippocrates: Because there was an excess of phlegm in its pancreas! Spencer Johnson, MD: To find who moved its cheese!
  • Golf Ball

    A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his...

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    A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time, he appeared disheveled, bloody and...