Funny Jokes Club

  • Vampire Bat

    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some...

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    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some...
  • Female Parrots

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know...

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    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest asks. They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?!” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then...
  • Lucky Saucer

    A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a...

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    A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat...
  • The Chicken Was Delicious!

    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly...

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    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got...
  • The Repairman

    A woman’s dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go...

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    A woman’s dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check....
  • God is Watching You!

    A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God...

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    A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God is watching you”. He then notices a wallet stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as he picks up the wallet again hears the voice, “God is still watching you”. He...
  • The Chicago Bears

    Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do...

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    Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?” “No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.” Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?” “No” Baby Bear replies,...
  • The Auctioneer

    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up...

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    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won...
  • Two Tigers

    Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly...

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    Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t...
  • Three Religious Men and a Bear

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were arguing about who was best in their line of work. One by one, they go into the...

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    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were arguing about who was best in their line of work. One by one, they go into the woods to find a bear and try their best to convert them to join their respective religions. Later they gather to discuss their experiences. The priest begins: “I found the...
  • Wildlife Park

    At our local wildlife park, there was one kangaroo who repeatedly managed to leave the enclosure. Therefore, the zookeepers erected a 15 foot fence. The following morning,...

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    At our local wildlife park, there was one kangaroo who repeatedly managed to leave the enclosure. Therefore, the zookeepers erected a 15 foot fence. The following morning, they found the kangaroo wandering around the zoo – it had escaped again.  This kept occurring until the fence was 80 feet high. In the adjoining enclosure was a tiger who asked...
  • Old Thing

    My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat...

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    My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat shot back inside as we were coming out. I went back to bring it out again. My wife, not wishing it to be known that nobody was left in the...
  • Foolproof Plan

    Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume...

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    Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull....
  • Have You Got Any Olives?

    A duck walked into a bar and asked, “Have you got any olives?”  The bartender says, “No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives.” “Oh,”...

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    A duck walked into a bar and asked, “Have you got any olives?”  The bartender says, “No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives.” “Oh,” says the duck and leaves. Five minutes later, the duck returns and say to the same barman, “Have you got any olives?”  “I told you before, we have cherries and grapes,...
  • Cat

    The boy came to school. In the middle of the class, the cat jumped out of his backpack. The teacher said: – Shame on you,...

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    The boy came to school. In the middle of the class, the cat jumped out of his backpack. The teacher said: – Shame on you, Ricky. Why did you bring a cat to school? You know you are not supposed to bring the animals to the class! – I am sorry Mrs. Graham, but I...
  • The Best Baseball Player

    A man goes into a bar with his dog and bets the barman $50 that the dog can answer his question. So, the man says, “What...

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    A man goes into a bar with his dog and bets the barman $50 that the dog can answer his question. So, the man says, “What do you call the top of a building?” The dog replies, “Roof.” The barman says, “I’m not paying for that.” So, the man says, “Okay double or nothing” and asks the dog,...
  • Stupid Cat

    Little Gary was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked, “What are you doing here, son?” “I’ve...

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    Little Gary was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked, “What are you doing here, son?” “I’ve just buried my goldfish; it died” replied Little Gary tearfully. “That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish” said the neighbor. Patting down the last bit of...
  • Bear Hunting

    Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear,...

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    Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran...