Funny Jokes Club

  • The Chicken Was Delicious!

    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly...

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    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got...
  • The Librarian

    A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens...

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    A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!”...
  • Female Parrots

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know...

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    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest asks. They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?!” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then...
  • Vampire Bat

    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some...

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    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some...
  • Parrot

    A man walks into the bedroom with his naked wife in the bed. His wife notices he is holding a parrot. – Honey, why are...

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    A man walks into the bedroom with his naked wife in the bed. His wife notices he is holding a parrot. – Honey, why are you holding a parrot? Let it go and come to me. – This is an elephant I want to have s.x with. – This is not an elephant. This is...
  • God is Watching You!

    A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God...

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    A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God is watching you”. He then notices a wallet stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as he picks up the wallet again hears the voice, “God is still watching you”. He...
  • I’m a Panda

    A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders a slap-up meal. He finishes his meal, takes out a gun and shoots the waiter stone dead....

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    A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders a slap-up meal. He finishes his meal, takes out a gun and shoots the waiter stone dead. As the Panda is leaving, the manager shouts that not only has he shot his waiter but he hasn’t paid for his meal. The Panda yells back, “I’m a Panda –...
  • You Know!

    A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, “Hey lady,...

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    A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home, she saw the same parrot in the window...
  • The Repairman

    A woman’s dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go...

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    A woman’s dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check....
  • The Auctioneer

    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up...

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    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won...
  • Stupid Cat

    Little Gary was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked, “What are you doing here, son?” “I’ve...

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    Little Gary was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked, “What are you doing here, son?” “I’ve just buried my goldfish; it died” replied Little Gary tearfully. “That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish” said the neighbor. Patting down the last bit of...
  • My Races!

    Three racehorses standing around started arguing. The first said, “I’ve won 15 out of 20 of my races!” The second said, “Yeah, well I’ve won...

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    Three racehorses standing around started arguing. The first said, “I’ve won 15 out of 20 of my races!” The second said, “Yeah, well I’ve won 29 out of 30 of my races!”  The third said, “Yeah, well I’ve won 39 out of 40 of my races!” Then, a greyhound came up and said, “Oh yeah!...
  • Female Puppy

    A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns...

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    A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?” A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked...
  • A Bit Insensitive

    While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat....

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    While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat. My brother seemed upset. “I don’t know how to tell you but the cat died on Thursday” he said.  I was mortified and shouted at him, “You could have found a...
  • Have You Got Any Olives?

    A duck walked into a bar and asked, “Have you got any olives?”  The bartender says, “No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives.” “Oh,”...

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    A duck walked into a bar and asked, “Have you got any olives?”  The bartender says, “No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives.” “Oh,” says the duck and leaves. Five minutes later, the duck returns and say to the same barman, “Have you got any olives?”  “I told you before, we have cherries and grapes,...
  • Water Hose

    An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor...

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    An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed....
  • Nails Clipping

    Three dogs are chatting at the local vets. First dog says, “I’m here because I chewed all the shoes in my master’s house!” The Second dog...

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    Three dogs are chatting at the local vets. First dog says, “I’m here because I chewed all the shoes in my master’s house!” The Second dog exclaimed, “I peed all over my master’s £3,000 Persian rug!” Dog number 3 says, “My owners a woman who enjoys doing the housework naked, so as she bent over, I...
  • 12 Hours

    Customer: “How much for this dog?” Dog dealer: “$5000” Customer:” Is not that too much?” Dog dealer: “Is not the dog wonderful?” Customer: “Yes, the...

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    Customer: “How much for this dog?” Dog dealer: “$5000” Customer:” Is not that too much?” Dog dealer: “Is not the dog wonderful?” Customer: “Yes, the dog may be too wonderful but is he faithful also?” Dog dealer: “Yes sir! He had been faithful, I have sold him seven times and he had always been back...
  • A Barking Dog

    A man came to a friend’s house, and his friend’s dog rushed and began to bark ferociously. The man was very much frightened but his...

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    A man came to a friend’s house, and his friend’s dog rushed and began to bark ferociously. The man was very much frightened but his friend said, “He will not bite. You know the old proverb; a barking dog never bites.” “Yes”, the man said, “I know the proverb and you know the proverb, but...
  • The Chicago Bears

    Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do...

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    Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?” “No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.” Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?” “No” Baby Bear replies,...